The Day My World Stopped: A Personal Account

The day before:

I received a call from my Dad, "You guys want to come down and stay with us in Fort Pierce for a couple of days and go deep sea fishing?"

"Uh yeah! Send us the directions!" I replied.

Seemed like a obvious enough answer. My, now Wife, but then girlfriend, Barbee, were excited to get away from our very busy life for a few days. Anything involving water, is our happy place. The beach, especially. There is just something about the sand between your toes on a warm day, and looking out over the ocean that just brings peace to our souls.

We packed and headed out that day. It was a 4 hour drive from our hometown.

We arrived later in the evening and walked to the beach from my Dad & Step-Moms condo.

A breath of fresh air. We were exhausted, because we are both night shift critical care nurses who work in ICU. We deal with life and death, every single shift. We are fighting for 12-14 hours a shift to keep people alive, and often, we can't. So we deal with death a lot too. Both, are an immense burden to bare. Physically and mentally, which brings exhaustion to a whole new level, especially as the years pass. I have been in Critical Care for almost 6 years. My Wife, 7 years. The more you know, the harder the job is. But I will leave those details for another post.

The Beach:

We arrived down to the beach at Fort Pierce. My Dad and Step-Mom were still out fishing when we arrived.

It was overcast and rain clouds were in the distance, and a little cool. We wore shorts and hoodies to the beach. Our absolute favorite Florida attire.

I remember sitting down in the sand, there were little shells everywhere. I sat and sifted through the sand, finding all sorts of little beautiful shells. I remember finding little rainbow tinted clam shells, and collected a bunch of them and Barbee, "I want to make a windchime with these, they're beautiful!" She agreed.

We sat and watched the waves, talked about life, and enjoyed the view for about an hour.

It was getting dark, and it started to sprinkle, as a few rain clouds blew in at dusk.

We headed back to the condo. Dad and my Step-Mom were back.

The next day:

Details of this day are now a blur.

This is the day, the day my world stopped.

So I will tell my account of what I remember.

My first memory of that day was the moment it happened.

We were out on my Dads new boat, miles offshore, anchored and fishing. Well, I was fighting sea sickness actually at this time... yay for getting older and experiencing things you have never dealt with before.

I was just sitting and watching what shoreline we could see, that was in sight. They say that helps with sea sickness, but Dramamine is what really helps..

We have no phone service as we are miles from shore. But I remember receiving a phone call, miraculously it came through with a random (God sent) one bar of service, from my best friends phone. It popped up on my phone when it rang as, "Katie."

But when I answered, it was not her voice on the other end. I was confused. It was a friend of hers that worked with her in her hair salon.

My best friend was a hair stylist, and opened her own salon. It, was, magical. Just like her.

Her friend proceeded to call me and tell me that Katie was in the hospital... and intubated.

"INTUBATED?" I replied. "What happened!?"

Her friend proceeded to tell me that they were all at her house, Katie had been complaining of indigestion that day, then suddenly, while they were outside on Katie's back patio, she grabbed her chest and collapsed. Her heart, stopped. Her friend started CPR and Katie's husband called 911.

"What?" I replied... sobbing. I remember Barbee coming and sitting next to me as I hung up the phone.

I was hysterical. It took several times trying to tell her and everyone what had happened.

My best friends heart just stopped beating, the revived her but she was life-flighted to a nearby, (to home), hospital and was in ICU.

Barbee held me as I sobbed. My best friend is on life support. The one who I confide in DAILY. My person, for the past 20+ years. She knows me inside and out.

I cried thinking of the what if's. As a ICU nurse, I know a lot. And wanted to know ALL the details. From start to finish. Labs, CT scan results, what medications she is on in the ICU. I still to this day don't know these details, and it haunts me on the daily.

We were a good hour plus, from land, and 3 hours from the hospital.

Everyone continued fishing for a little while longer, and then we headed back. The ride and getting back to land is a blur. I just cried, and literally felt numb. My heart literally hurt.

The return to land:

I remember arriving back at the condo and jumping in the shower. Salt air is sticky and I wanted to take a quick shower before deciding what I needed to do. Go to the hospital or stay. I know ICU only lets 1-2 visitors back at a time, and I knew all of Katie's family would be there and I did not want to take any time from them. Of course my immediate thought was to go to her, but I was torn because of the situation.

In the middle of my shower, my phone rang again. It was Katie's sister.

She told me that things were not looking good for Katie, and she told me to come, if I wanted to. My decision was made, I was going. But when I pressed, "End," on my phone. My legs gave out and I collapsed on the floor of the bathroom. I have never felt immense pain like this before. Barbee come in and held me on the floor, sopping wet, the shower still on in the background. I told her what Katie's sister told me, and her first words were, "I will pack now and take everything to the truck and we will go." She held me for a few more minutes, and then helped me up, helped me to the bedroom, helped me get dressed. I couldn't even pick my arms up. Grief was already hitting me unbelievably hard.

The Call:

When I was finally dressed and trying to process my thoughts. It hit me. Our other best friend probably did not know what was going on either. I had to make the hardest call I have ever made in my entire life. Now..

I scrolled down to my best friends name in my contacts, and cried. "Jenna."

We were always the three amigos. Since high school. We were all different, but we somehow found each other, definitely God given friendships. Because we all just clicked. Memories flooded my thoughts for a minute. I had to compose myself. I pressed, "Call."

"Hey Bestie!" She answered.

I do not remember how our conversation went... that is also a blur, but I do remember telling her what happened, her response was the same as my initial reaction.. It was so hard hearing her cry on the other end of the phone and not being there in person to hold her.

We agreed to meet at the hospital.

The Drive:

We said our goodbyes to my Dad and Step-Mom. I remember holding my Dad and crying with him. Hugging and crying with my Step-Mom. Then walking to the truck that Barbee had packed. Everything from this moment on felt like slow motion. The drive to the hospital was excruciatingly long. It was terrible weather. At one point, I remember Barbee pulling over under a overpass because the wind was so bad, we thought there was a tornado! We NEVER pull over in bad rain, so that is saying a lot to how bad the weather was that night.

The Arrival:

The next memory I have was walking into the ICU waiting room, it's a huge waiting room compared to the waiting room at the hospitals we have worked at, and the entire waiting area was all of Katie's friends and family. The first person I remember seeing was Katie's brother. A lot taller than me, and might as well be my brother too, I saw him and went to him with tears in our eyes and hugged for what seemed an eternity but not long enough. Love and even some laughter filled the area. I remember seeing Katie's children.. and Momma. I remember hugging them, trying to not sob as I know the burden that I bare wasn't near as heavy as the one that they held.. and would continue to hold for the rest of their lives.

On The Other Side - ICU:

Jenna and I were able to go back together. Everything was still slow motion. As a ICU nurse, I have unfortunately had to train myself to put my emotions on pause, per se, upon entering work, so that my emotions do not get in the way of the focus I need to do my job. As I walked into the ICU with Jenna, I remember approaching Katie's room and trying to prepare Jenna for what she was going to see Katie like. We arrived at Katie's room and saw her through the glass doors, and Jenna broke down. I tried to comfort her, and we walked up to Katie who hadn't been responding to much and we held her hands, stroked her beautiful dread locked blonde hair. She still had her eyelash extensions on, even in the midst of all the tubes and lines, she was still, beautiful.

We talked with her, not knowing if she was still in there mentally or not. We were getting ready to leave, and we were telling her to keep fighting, and we loved her, and I'm sure some other things that I do not remember, then we kissed her cheeks, and tears began to run from both of her eyes, and she began to get a little upset.. I told Jenna it was time to go as I knew Katie needed to rest.

The Departure:

I never said goodbye to Katie. Knowing that the Doctors were saying her odds of surviving were grim, when I saw her, all the knowledge I held as a nurse, left. I just saw my best friend, my person, my confider, the keeper of all my secrets, lying there, fighting for her life. I couldn't tell her goodbye, because then she would know, we were not going to see each other again, on this side of eternity. I couldn't say goodbye.

See You Later:

It wasn't long after we left the hospital, we received the word. She was gone. Her strong, beautiful heart had beat it's last beat. She was dancing with the angels now.

There are no words to describe the following weeks and the grief me and so many others felt.

This world lost one of the most beautiful souls that ever stepped foot on this planet.

The pain I endured after she left, was almost too much to bare.

I couldn't eat, drink. I lost weight in the coming weeks. I cried until my eyes were bruised and my face stayed puffy. I honestly couldn't imagine life without her, yet here I was. I didn't want to be here if she wasn't.

Guilt. I felt so much guilt for still being here when she wasn't. I couldn't laugh. Enjoying anything felt so wrong. Therefor, I just stayed in this place of complete numbness.

Anyone who has lost someone they so deeply love, can attest to the feeling of their world coming to a complete halt.

The world keeps spinning. People keep going to work. People continue to laugh and go on dates, and live their life. Our lives seemly stop. Everything begins to play in slow motion.

Going to sleep, they're all you can see. Waking up, they're all you can think about. They're even in your dreams.

I remember Barbee waking me up one night, I was literally crying, sobbing tears streaming down my face, in my sleep.

Despair. The only word that comes to mind when thinking about those weeks.

Losing someone you love, changes you in a instant. A instant that begins to take place after they're gone.

A change I never knew existed. A change I was not ready to except. But a change, that I had to learn to deal with because I still had a life to live. Even if it took me months... years, to except.

What Comes Next:

There are no manuals to things that happen in our lives. Everyone, EVERYONE, saying it louder for the people in the back.. process grief differently. Do not ever compare your grief to others. Never tell someone to get over it. Just be there for them. Love them, help them with little things when you can. Let them know you're thinking about them. I've had a wonderful support system and I am so thankful to the people God has placed in my life, to help me grudge myself through this long, painful journey, called grief. I call grief a journey because it is something that you will deal with, and learn to navigate the rest of your days on this side of Heaven.

So there began this new journey. One I would have never been ready for, but handed anyways.

My Journey:

With the reminder from my Wife, close friends and family. I was eventually able to start letting joy back into my soul. Their reminder? That Katie wouldn't want me to waste my life by not allowing myself to enjoy things again. Her soul was one that would brighten any room, any time of day, no matter the circumstance surrounding the day. She made it better just by being. Lord knows I am far from perfect, but I feel like it is my responsibility to carry on where she left off. She would definitely want her loved ones to continue sharing love, the love that she so openly gave to everyone who knew her. I have to remind myself of this often. But this journey was given to me for a reason. One I may never understand, but none the less, it is a part of my story now.

It's been almost two years since her Heavenly birthday, and I still sit back some days and it doesn't feel real that I can't just pick up my phone and talk to her. I am always in need of her advice, she always had a way with helping me untangle things and comforting me.

I still don't feel like I experience joy like I did before she left. It is hard, if I can be honest.

But things I have learned, is that life is short and we should never take anything, and I mean anything, from the smallest of things like watching the sunrise, the clouds turning pink, purple and orange, to the biggest of things like being there to help your Momma when she loses her sight, never take one single moment for granted. We are given each and every moment of this life for a reason. You don't have to wonder why we were given each moment, just love each other, breath in the cool morning air, and exhale negativity, each day will bring unexpected moments, life will lead you to the next moment that you're supposed to experience.

Moments:

A couple of weeks ago, I left our home, headed to my children's hometown to spend my days off with them. I had taken a quick shower, and put a hair towel on my hair. It was cold, and overcast, and I wasn't planning on stopping anywhere that morning on the way to get my kids. I loaded up my truck, and pulled from our driveway, pulled up to our stop sign, looked right, and then looked left. I looked right and then left again, and pulled out onto the highway. I saw smoke in the distance. The closer I got, I could tell that a car accident had just happened. No lights or sirens yet. I approached the scene and saw a off duty paramedic pulling, what seemed to be, a lifeless body from a totaled, smoking vehicle. Without hesitation, I pulled over, slammed my car in park and jumped out of my vehicle and ran to the scene, fully expecting to have to start CPR. There were by standers standing around and I ran up and announced I was a critical care nurse. I approached the body on the ground and immediately began assessing the victim. Checked for a pulse, pupils, and sternal rubbed them, felt a a thready elevated pulse, and then the victim grimaced upon my sternal rub. I began talking to talk to the victim, trying to arouse them to consciousness. The bystanders watched as the victim began to wake up. I told the victim I was a Nurse, asked them their name, where they thought they were, what year it was, all their answers were off for several minutes. Of course, the victim was in shock initially, but as minutes passed, they were able to assess the situation a little more clearly.

The main thing that stood out from all of this was how stand offish, all the by standers were. Except for me, needed down in the grass and dirt, holding the victims blood covered hands. You see, this victim was different in their eyes. The victim was born one gender, but dressed like another. In my eyes, all I saw was a terrified, injured victim that needed help.

As the ambulance and police finally arrived, the victim ever so slightly picked their head up, looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I've met people like you, (referring to medical professionals), and you're not like them. They treat me different. Please don't leave me."

You see, I didn't save this person's life that day. But I knew looking into their eyes that I was exactly where I was meant to be. The right place, at the right time.

I've never believed in coincidences. Life if too vast for this to happen. I was placed in that moment for a reason. To love.

The Next Chapter:

Some days I wonder if I will ever experience joy like I did, "BK, Before Katie."

I take each day, each moment as it comes now. I hold all moments and memories to a higher standard. Each breath I am given seems like a second chance.

This new chapter has already held many wonderful experiences, but also a lot of heartbreak too. Nothing new there, that is just life.

We never know what the future holds. Cliche', I know. But true, regardless.

One of my favorite sayings is, and I remind my children of this often,

"Know better, do better."

If you don't know better, how can you do better, but once you grasp the knowledge of the better, we then hold the responsibility of actually doing better.

I used to be those bystanders at that accident. Scared of what I didn't fully understand or what I judged to be wrong. I'll detail this on another blog one day.

Fast forward years later, and I am married to the love of my life, my Wife.

Katie was always so good at seeing the good in everything. She always had a smile, her laugh broke through barriers and her soul lit this world on fire.

To think what I have missed out on in this life because of walls and barriers I put up, but Katie, just knowing Katie, is what helped me to break those barriers down.

So this next chapter, my next chapter... is for you Katie. I know better now, and I am going to do better in my life, and for the world. You spread light on the darkest of days, and your light remains just as bright now, and forever will. You were all the colors on the rainbow, and just as beautiful.

I miss you, I love you. Until we meet again, it's never goodbye, just... "See you later."